Bastard.
Well, um.
This evening has been
a return to the old days or
something new, I don't know
but
I felt alive.
And for the first time in a while I felt my mind spark and flow
and I was enthusiastic the way my dad gets talking about planes
almost bright or in an element i don't know
the conversations not so technological
converged with a space my mind inhabits gleefully
but it has been such a long time since I've studied those things
I halted; embarrassed.
I saw a new girl emerge, playful fun outgoing
bright and forthright, bishop-smoked,
absorbed in the flow and present
i like her
but regret
that she is born in a bottle and dies in a drain
i wish that extroverted side
could be evoked ordinarily
the dullness of inattentive observation could be slept out
but
my life is stitched with chemicals
and as i saw her emerge i felt my neurons
falter
speech organs fail as i stumbleslur
with things and stuff
and i knew that i don't need to fear Alzheimer's
it's here already
in a sense
there's always a trade-off
the things you say
spark vivid images
a movie scene, book cover, artist, lecture
but i know i can't make the jump for you
it only makes sense in my weird little head
as soon as the connections fire they die
synapses shooting aimlessly in the dark
and i am suddenly furious at my limitations
i am warmed by our conversations
and for the first time in these many-frazzled months
i see you as you are
the curls of coloured smokesteam helixing above your heads
diamondizing facets
happiness, yes, ya'll
in my frankled way i am sincere;
and the hug is warm like the laptop
and the walk is cool like comfort
walden may sing of the morning
but i am a creature who delights in the dusk-gloaming-night-dawn
the dark is so safe
i missed full colour for many years;
find beauty in this darkened sepia
Then near our door, "A hedgehog, look."
And I stand for a while, goggling
Such a novelty to see
One that isn't water bottle-flat.
