Gerry Brownlee

Bastard.

Well, um.

This evening has been

a return to the old days or

something new, I don't know

but

I felt alive.

And for the first time in a while I felt my mind spark and flow

and I was enthusiastic the way my dad gets talking about planes

almost bright or in an element i don't know

the conversations not so technological

converged with a space my mind inhabits gleefully

but it has been such a long time since I've studied those things

I halted; embarrassed.

I saw a new girl emerge, playful fun outgoing

bright and forthright, bishop-smoked,

absorbed in the flow and present

i like her

but regret

that she is born in a bottle and dies in a drain

i wish that extroverted side

could be evoked ordinarily

the dullness of inattentive observation could be slept out

but

my life is stitched with chemicals

and as i saw her emerge i felt my neurons

falter

speech organs fail as i stumbleslur

with things and stuff

and i knew that i don't need to fear Alzheimer's

it's here already

in a sense

there's always a trade-off

the things you say

spark vivid images

a movie scene, book cover, artist, lecture

but i know i can't make the jump for you

it only makes sense in my weird little head

as soon as the connections fire they die

synapses shooting aimlessly in the dark

and i am suddenly furious at my limitations

i am warmed by our conversations

and for the first time in these many-frazzled months

i see you as you are

the curls of coloured smokesteam helixing above your heads

diamondizing facets

happiness, yes, ya'll

in my frankled way i am sincere;

and the hug is warm like the laptop

and the walk is cool like comfort

walden may sing of the morning

but i am a creature who delights in the dusk-gloaming-night-dawn

the dark is so safe

i missed full colour for many years;

find beauty in this darkened sepia

Then near our door, "A hedgehog, look."

And I stand for a while, goggling

Such a novelty to see

One that isn't water bottle-flat.