Split Culture vs Shout Culture

Split Culture
When I was growing up, if a group of mates went out for lunch, dinner or the movies, we'd all pay for our own food or tickets. It was just taken for granted that everyone had their own money, and paid for themselves. If we were all clubbing together to buy a group lunch from the supermarket, or someone's 21st present, there was always a careful analysis of how much food or stuff we had so we could split the costs fairly between us. If it was a spur-of-the-moment thing or someone was caught short, then someone else would pay for them and they'd sort things out between them later on.

And that was how the world worked. The principle never changed with the dynamics or size of the group; if there were two of you or twenty, you paid for your own. If it was a group of girls, or a group of girls and guys, or just a girl and a guy mate, you paid for your own. You never needed to think about it, or question it; it just was. The only exception was when someone was caught short, or owed someone else, or perhaps two people in a group were dating, and so another person would pay on their behalf for that particular instance.

And it was called Split Culture (in my head), and it was good. The rules were simple, and everyone knew them.

Culture Clash
When I was at uni, I bumped into an old mate from church and childhood days, and we started hanging out. We'd go to the movies or get lunch or drinks. Not a lot, because he had a girlfriend, but in the casual way that you do when you reconnect with an old friend. And when it came to the moment of payment, we'd both pull out our wallets... and he'd say to the person on the till "I'm getting this". Or he'd slip out for a moment partway through dinner, and at the end say "Oh, don't worry, I paid earlier". Always. Whether I could afford to pay for myself or not, whether it was just one drink or a two-course dinner. He just paid every time, for every thing.

And it was not good. It irked me and made me feel uncomfortable, which confused me. He'd been incredibly generous and done a kind thing: why should it cause me to react that way? Surely I should feel grateful and appreciative, especially during the times when I couldn't afford a movie or drink? I did and I was, but the whole thing still felt wrong and awkward; there was something else going on.

I had grown up with the idea that everyone supports or pays for themselves. Getting someone else to pay for you or buy something for you - no matter how small - was tacitly admitting you weren't capable of providing for yourself and needed help. For some inexplicable reason this was Shameful and Not Done; like admitting you were a failure as in independent, functioning member of society. So although I knew my friend was just being generous and I appreciated it, I also felt embarrassed and humiliated. Part of me interpreted his actions as a giant red arrow pointing out my financial and social inadequacy, even though that's clearly not what they were. I've expressed my frustrations with these situations in this poem about power dynamics.

Over the years, I've come across this situation again and again: more often with guys than girls; more often with Poms or Europeans than Kiwis; more often in working or corporate circles than student circles. There's awkwardness or confusion or moments of "huh?" on both sides, because there's a massive socio-economic difference in culture and expectations.

And this second culture is called (in my head), Shout Culture. And it's also good, when you know what it is and how it works.

Shout Culture
When a group of workmates go out for coffee, one will pay for the others. They won't let you pay them back for your coffee when you offer, but they do expect that next time the group goes out, it'll be someone else's turn to pay for the coffees. When a group of mates go out drinking together, one will pay for everyone else's drinks. They won't let you pay them back for you drink when you offer, but they do expect that someone else will pay for the next round. There's a pattern to it, and in the end, the two cultures amount to the same thing. Everyone ends up equal.

So, in Shout Culture, when two friends go out for a meal or drinks and one of them's a guy and one of them's a girl, the guy will pay. The guy won't let the girl pay him back for the meal or drink when she offers, but he will expect that... er.

This is where my knowledge breaks down. I'm piecing Shout Culture together from what I've experienced at work or with friends, as an outsider. It's a foreign culture to me, so I don't have that implicit knowledge of what happens when, and why. I don't know what the guy expects in return, or even if he does expect something. It's probably just a form of courtesy, but it gets garbled and interpreted as power dynamics when the two cultures clash. It's partly what makes me nervous when a guy pays, because in Split Culture the expectation is that you always pay the person back. If you don't pay with money, then you do so in other ways (e.g. driving them somewhere if they don't have a car); take from that what you will.

I asked a male, British mate of mine once why he always paid and mentioned that it actually made me feel a bit uncomfortable, because of the culture I'd been raised with. He seemed genuinely surprised that it was even a point of comment, and said "But that's just the way I was raised". For him, that's just how the world works. The rules are simple, and everyone understands them.

Except that it isn't, and they're not, and they don't.

So what are your experiences of Split and Shout Culture? Which one do you think you've grown up with and take for granted? Are there others you've come across that I haven't mentioned? And if you're a Shout Culture native, feel free to explain things or correct me where I've gotten things wrong.