I'd like to be here

"Do I believe the Bible? I’m trying to know the Bible. And by knowing, I mean the way that Adam knew Eve, and the way that the Creator knows us. I mean the kind of knowing that is like falling in love. I’m trying to love/know the Bible. And I will always struggle with how I can love/know the scriptures when some parts are so hard and mean and awful that you feel bad for even reading them. And then some parts are so beautiful that you can’t stop crying when they whisper little hints of truth and mystery to you."

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Ghost bikes

Are the cyclist's version of white roadside crosses, a trend started by an artist a few years ago that has evolved into memorials. There's even an official site for the next time you might need advice on that sort of thing (with a branch in Whangarei, of all places). If I ever see another cyclist killed on the road, I'm so doing this.

Summer has evolved

summer has evolved
my holiday is interrupted by 8 hours of
cold, conditioned computer-screen silence
it ends with a swift break-neck home
changing into shorts, singlets, jandals
sausages open windows drink
lickety split
air!
wandering to a mate's place
for gossip, cold beer and left overs

we compare burns like hard-won battle scars
red raw roasted
purple peeling blistered
straps, neck lines, curves, shadows
shyness vapours:
it's matter of fact when sharing with friends

we're old veterans, grimacing with approval
questioning; the clothes, the time, the place?
it takes a lifetime's experience
to recognise and grade them
without the shadow of cancer
we laugh and assent:
the inner knee is this week's coolest

but seeing the clock,
feeling the office dreading its way into our mind
we reluctantly say
ahhhh, thanks
I spose it's time to go
next time we'll have L&P and brandy
the perfect summer drink

saunter home
half watching the dark blue smooth to amber
(if only my eye make up were so faultless)
the street lights, this season's understated decorations
the residual heat of the day
mmmm
tomorrow night will be just as good

My head is a mess

What with the last few weeks and unexpected complications with a friend. Today, I made a good decision. A mutual one. An incredibly difficult one. I've gone through the full gamut of emotions since lunch time; everything except happiness and the understanding that I did the "right thing". In time, I know this will pass, but for now I'll let Sufjan speak for me:



Lyrics for Sister Winter are here.

The power dynamics of food

Monday, 3.25 am
I wake up and think:
what am I worried about?
I remember work
and you
the dinner we said we'd have
Protestant work ethics and power dynamics
ingrained so painfully
remind me to hate / freak out / guilt deeply when men pay for me
drinks, dinner, whatever
I cannot handle charity
I must make sure
You do not pay for my tea

Monday, 1.10pm
lunch and I email you
about our final project meeting
god I can't wait til it's over
the last hurrah of my student career
You bought the last round,
it's only fair that I pay this time
I must make sure
You do not pay for my tea

Monday, 3.15pm
and there's your reply
casually asking
have I thought where to eat?
I hadn't thought yet freeze up blurt Indian,
because work is busy and I'm lazy and you're English
I must make sure
You do not pay for my tea

It's just a matter of pride
I'm earning, now, aren't I?
It's not like I don't appreciate the kindness of men, fr
iends stretching back over the years
with disposable incomes and 60 hour weeks
my turn
my turn


no one can say I didn't work for this right

Monday, 5.48pm
So you're 20 minutes late and I've done
all the damn work
golf?! I lost half my weekend for this!
you're funny
and co-operative
but I won't mind if you buy me a pint
I must make sure
that I pay for the tea

Monday, 7.30 pm
Last edit
Your edit
because I did the rest
No that's unfair I spose god I'm grumpy
I don't care about the tattoo
and the afternoon of cheated hope
the smell of smokes, sweet and rank
last night's fears seem hyperbolic
sin/syn/... serotonin glut?
You're paying for that damn drink
but I feel that as a modern feminist
You must not pay for my tea

Monday, 8.35
You paid for the Kilkenny
I knew you would
You have good taste in drink and a salary to match
I forgot that side of you
Unwinding with stories of why we've done this
Snatches and eddies
I do not miss the oh-so-important tangents
from 10 seconds ago
my anxiety sips gently away
I am relaxed: my most alien state
and you are gregarious
and say "don't tell anyone this; we know people in common"
I am most comfortable in bare feet
in a pub
with beer
and a good mate
tea? why not, I'm easy.


Relaxed, I mean: I'm relaxed.


Monday, 9.26 pm
We walk, almost straight lines
To the Indian two doors away
The waiter knows you by name
And you know wine
I remember why I love drinking with wine snobs:
the taste's always good saves my lack of knowledge
We share
far too much
or just enough
about us, our parents
there was something...
i think we could go halves on the tea?

Monday, 10.15pm
the hair in the curry disgusts you but not me
You say "there's almost a generation between us"
and spark a whole conversation about advertising
I say "If you're from... did you speak Welsh?"
You say "I'm half Welsh, I went to a Welsh-speaking school"
me too
well, the half-Welsh bit
I am furiously jealous that you got to keep your language
We connect over Chaucer
You don't mind that I translate the original for fun
I am stopped dead with surprise and delight
This never, ever happens to me
Why aren't you "nearly a generation" younger?!
I say, "don't tell any of my Christian mates this; we know people in common"
We're both a little ripped and it's a Monday night
So getting home to our respective
last bus?
I don't mind if you pay for our tea

Monday, 10.45pm
we hug goodbye
I forgot that short guys are
my god perfect to hug
Barossa Valley's done well
to rob that inhibition from me
you're comfortable and illicit
say, "We were a great team, weren't we?"
and I say, "Yeah, defnitley hey thanks for the dinner it was thanks so much"
and you say, "Well, I'm off for smokes, but..."
(no can't have been, you'd say "cigarettes")
and I say, "Well I'll probably be round your way this weekend"
and you say, "Yeah, do, do drop in, let me know"
i may be reporting this inaccurately but

halfway home
I'm listening to Muse
and you David Bowie
you text "are you on your way safe?"
this is why
I like you so much better when you're sober
because you're kind and english and a good
I'm glad you paid for my tea
it fitted

Monday, 11.57 pm -12.20 am
the text conversation is over
I'm worried it's drunk poetry time
explained the protestant guilt
sorry, it's a monday i'm too
my brain shoots straight to work, I can't do that again
even though... well, best left unsaid
I'm glad we're mates and there's nothing else in it
5 years ago I'd've run a mile from a bloke like you
what with the beer and the smokes and the
voice like home i've never been to
but you surprise me
you read

I've promised next time, it'll be kiwi
It won't emasculate you if the girl pays
and you seem ok
for me to pay for our tea

It's not Christmas without

• small, cute children singing a song at a church service. It doesn't actually matter what the song is, or how well they sing it: the cuteness factor overrides all of that.
• sunburn.
• beer (although not at my teetotal parents' place, sadly).
  
• Thrice's cover of Carol of the Bells.
• at least 4 randoms at our family's Christmas day lunch. My mum rounds up Christmas orphans each year. This year it's going to be 4 German students and a Filipino family.
• whinging about Christmas songs and/or carols and the crass, northern hemisphere-centric commercialism that starts in September.
  
• midnight mass at the Anglican convent. I love the whole vibe: incense, elaborately embroidered vestments, communion wine, nervously singing a-cappella hymns I don't know the words to and can never find in the unfamiliar multi-lingual hymn book. Am I a closet Anglican?!
  
• Family (which includes some of my friends who are basically family).
  
• sleeping in on at least one day over the Christmas break and doing sweet f-all the rest of the day (reading counts as 'nothing').
• Magical Elves. I know it's unethical chocolate, but it's just so darn good.
  

What are the essentials of your Christmas season?

Adversity brings unity...

Or so they say. Tonight I saw the literal embodiment of that epithet.

I've kept in touch with a few mates from my old job, and got invited to the farewell drinks and dinner of a couple of other staff members. It's been 6 weeks since I left, so I thought the gap would tell. But people were genuinely pleased to see me, and we started from where we'd left off 6 weeks ago. It amazed me how good it felt, as if I'd never left and was still part of the group. It helped that 5 other people there had either just left or were about to leave.

There was an atmosphere of celebration and triumph; an atmosphere that certainly never existed at work. It was a fantastic night and I came home buzzed and happy (yeah, I know: work functions are never like that!!).

Having moved jobs, I noticed a few things I hadn't seen 6 weeks ago. People were closer; there was more blatant negativity and bitchiness about where the company was headed; people were starting to be more cavalier about what they said to management; people were genuinely thrilled for anyone who "stuck it to the man" by handing in their resignation. I was struck by the last-day-of-school vibe and camaraderie; something I realised I miss tremendously.

I wondered why the behaviour was so obvious when it hadn't been before, and didn't seem evident in my new company. Was it just because I hadn't noticed it when I was part of it?

And then I got told things had gone seriously downhill since I'd left. Colleagues quite freely told me the horror stories that had pushed them over the edge. Mere rumblings when I left were now full-fledged volcanoes. I was congratulated for "getting out in time" and comments of a rodent, inept boating and marine nature were made. I got this weird visual image of my ex-colleagues as refugees, all rushing to get out before the borders close and things get dire.

It also occurred to me that the reason I haven't seen it in my new job is:
a) my new job is new. I still don't know people all that well.
b) my new job has squillions of employees. My old job had a total of 50.
c) my new job is normal and mostly functional. My old job wasn't.

So the bad thing about working for a maladjusted company? You'll hate your job and the management, pay and hours will be awful. But the good thing is you'll have a marvellous support group if everyone else is in the same boat. You'll probably form lasting friendships and miss that group when you leave for a decent job.

It's just a shame it takes a crap situation to create such strong bonds.