Falling off a cliff
Where is the ground? Far away
Somebody catch me...
Contrary to many others, I seem to find loss and change hard to take. I miss people, places, routines. I yearn for when things were comfy and familiar (although often, at the time, life seemed anything but). I tend to think in "what ifs", which are never healthy, but nevertheless are a central piece in the toolkit of the perfectionist who constantly wishes they'd lived their life "better" or "more correctly" - lived their life more like those around them, who they see as... better, more alive, less fettered and flawed.
Not a million years ago, I used to think trusting people or letting them get close was anathema, because at some point, whoever it was you had leant on or confided in or enjoyed and shared your life with would leave or betray you. I cut myself off in little ways, because I myself had been cut off in larger ones.
To an extent, I have been proved right, experientially. And yet...
Sometimes I still get that reaction; that learned, second-nature knee-jerk reflex that surfaces when stuff becomes frightening and unfamiliar - you might say I don't handle certian changes well; that I take refuge in old, familiar, unhealthy mental patterns and behaviours.
So yes, I have regrets.
But I do not regret trusting people; rather, I regret not knowing people better, not learning to walk alongside them more, not sharing in their lives and just hanging out and being a better friend. I regret (and am frustrated by) being too reserved and afraid of getting hurt to truly engage in real life.
To not trust people or allow them to get close, to keep yourself fully closed-off... that's a lonely, painful road. I'm not sure I want to go back there. Analytically speaking, I think the pain from that is worse than the pain of losing.
I am glad that despite all my many failings in interacting with others, I have gotten to know all the people I do know. I am incredibly grateful to have been (or to continue to be) a part of their life-path, to have been influenced by them and hung out with them. Stain-glass windows are kinda boring if they're all one colour.
I may grieve for what has happened today; for all the tomorrows that might have been.
Perhaps, though, there is a better use for my tomorrows, though I may not see it clearly.
5 comments:
umm yes, of course... considering the majority of people love change and find loss so easy to take...
the easiest way to deal with these thing i reckon is to just realise that everyone is selfish, don't make the presumption that anyone is graceful, 'cos it only disappoints you. people only want to know you if they get some sort of benefit out of it, otherwise they are only your friends not out of choice but duty
...if things were comfy and familiar in the past but you didn't realise it at the time...maybe they're comfy and familiar now and you don't realise it. At least in some ways, which you will no doubt look back on fondly in days to come.
Anyway, love ya babe. Have a hug :)
(did I only say that because I want to get some kind of benefit from your friendship? I dunno, that's not what it felt like. It *felt* like I actually do love you for your own sake. Hm, I shall have to post about this)
Hey, love the post!!
I've actually been thinking about this lately!
: )
Nathan and I are having a debate at the moment. Can Nathen use the term "life-path" in our game of scrabble. I think it needs to be in common usage.... or maybe in the dictionary. Can I take it off the board?
Do You count as "common"?
J
lol... I see you're still using "you" with a capital, James... does this mean you still think I'm God? I'm flattered :P
Yeah, Nathan can use "life-path" - it is a fairly common term now. Also, "worklife" is a real word (might not be in a dictionary yet, but Life Coaches and Career Coaches use it aaaaaall the time).
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